feature creature smackdown
Courtesy of pjm's comments:
"There Can Be Only One" [Defective Yeti] ... As a great fan of office pools, I took advantage of the
office pool-sized chart, printed it out, and
Kate and I sat here and debated the matchups. I am sure there will be many disagreements, just as there are many missing badasses on this chart. But what the hell, it's Friday.
Round 1 (16 matchups)
- Jason v Freddy: Jason (this one was already filled in; I didn't see the movie)
- Alien v Predator: haven't yet seen the (probably a very, very bad) movie, but we went with Alien
- Harry Lime v The Terminator: uh, The Terminator. Sorry, Harry.
- Sauron v Ferris Bueller's principal: Sauron! No explanation necessary.
- Se7en psycho v Khan Noonien Singh: Khan...he has more weapons
- Dracula v Master Control Program: Master Control Program; Dracula wins by sucking your blood or breaking your neck, and I doubt, at his age, he would keep up with the various ways to kill a program
- Deliverance hillbillies v Wicked Witch of the West: those hillbillies are some scary mofos. While the witch has the whole "being a witch" thing going for her, we had utter faith that the hillbillies could drop a house on her.
- The Godfather v Jurassic Park dinosaurs: Dinosaurs. Come on, they're dinosaurs
- Jaws v a shitload of Nazis: the shitload of Nazi, unfortunately, because while Jaws killed a heck of a lot of people, there's a limit to how many it could kill at once.
- The Joker v Nurse Ratched: Nurse Ratched, because nurses can be way scarier and evil than the Joker -- they have needles and thermometers and things.
- Hannibal Lecter v Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: Stay-Puft; Lecter's predilection was toward cannibalism, not marshmallowism
- Darth Vader v Norman Bates: Vader
- Crazy chick in Misery vs Crazy chick in Fatal Attraction: Crazy chick in Misery...mallet to the ankles vs a silly little boiled rabbit? come on.
- Goldfinger v Cruella de Vil: Goldfinger; Cruella was evil, but also just kind of pathetic
- Agent Smith v Titanic iceberg: Agent Smith; binary not often affected by iceberg, and he could just load an iceberg-smashing program and jump on it.
- Verbal Kint v Hal 9000: wash; they're both cold, heartless and manipulative, and both would lose in the next round anyway. :)
Round 2 (8 matchups)
- Alien v Jason: Alien; I don't care how many times Jason comes back, Alien will keep kicking his ass
- The Terminator v Sauron: Sauron. He could transform into some master terminator and kick butt, or smelt the sucker.
- Khan v Master Control Program: Khan; he would be much better equipped to kill a program at his point in time.
- Deliverance hillbillies v Jurassic Park dinosaurs: Dinosaurs. Again, they're dinosaurs
- shitload of Nazis v Nurse Ratched: as much as we would like to say "Nurse Ratched", we have to go with the gang of racists on this one.
- Darth Vader v Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: Vader. A wave of the hand and Stay-Puft would be goo.
- Crazy chick in Misery v Goldfinger: Crazy chick in Misery. She was really, really crazy.
- Agent Smith v either Verbal Kint or Hal 9000: Agent Smith. Better binary than Hal, and I don't think Verbal Kint was gifted enough to elude an agent.
Round 3 (4 matchups)
- Sauron v Alien: Sauron had much power; a single Alien is still just one flesh/bone creature
- Khan v Jurassic Park dinosaurs: Khan; much firepower available to eradicate dinosaurs
- shitload of Nazis v Darth Vader: Vader, again with the hand-waving
- Crazy chick in Misery v Agent Smith: sorry Kathy, Agent Smith wins this one.
Round 4 (2 matchups)
- Sauron v Khan: Sauron, again. Khan's just mortal, after all, and he'd have to go find that ring and then destroy it...too much work.
- Darth Vader v Agent Smith: Vader; he'd have no time for binary and would find a way to dispatch him promptly
Finals
- Sauron v Darth Vader: if the silly little Emperor Palpatine could kill him, I'm pretty sure Sauron could easily dispatch of Vader as well.
