here's an entry about me (and it's a ramble)
I've had this blog for almost a year now, and I haven't actually written much about
me. There's a reason— in real life, I am an absolute jerk. An asshole, if you will. Very much a bitch. My past is littered with shitty decisions, terrible behavior and even worse endings to friendships, relationships, whateverships. Only once—but probably the most important ended-one of all—has an ending to something
not been my fault. Sure, I could chalk it all up to "growing up" or "gaining life experience" or "finding out who I am" or "poor impulse control" but that would be a cop-out, really it would, because I'm not all that different of a person than when I was off being an asshole to others...I just learned to stay away from situations that I knew would cause asshole-ish behavior in me. Of course, that means I don't get out much at all, which is unfortunate because I really like going out. It's just typically not good for others.
The other week I was talking to a buddy who has weathered the storm of knowing me (and for some reason still calls, emails and links her blog posts to mine on a fairly frequent basis), and thus knows all the people from my lifetime that
aren't in the picture anymore. I mentioned how there are a few people that I'd like to know where they are and what they're up to, but first I'd have to say "Uh, sorry for being an ass, so how's your life?" to most of them. I decided it probably wasn't a good idea to start looking up people, but JS and AC in Charlottesville, JF in Boston or NYC, AE in Portland or god knows where...I say to you, "sorry for being an ass, how's your life?"
Some of these people are kids I knew from college, and I say "kids" because we were. I was one of the oldest, at 15. Take a bunch of misfits and throw them in a dorm with their misfit brethren, and provide
no capable supervision or support whatsoever (except for two people who were there for a short time but definitely kept me sane, and in the program) and see what happens. A lot of people quit on their own, a bunch went on to be perfectly normal and upstanding overachievers either at that school or others, some got thrown out for various reasons (some legit, some bogus) then a chunk of others made it through but all jaded and anti-social. I was in the latter group, and everyone I liked was in the latter two groups. Figures.
One of these people emailed me today, and I'm going to quote from two of her e-mails—because the statements adequately sum up the being that is "me". She said:
"Your blog[...]reminded me of all the things I like about you (creative, funny, edgy, in-the-know, idealistic), even if you are one of the hardest people in the world for me to be friends with in real life."
and
"I've never met another person with your mix of belligerence and sensitivity and I never, never know what the fuck you are thinking."
So true. I don't say "so true" like it's a good thing, or something to be all proud of, just that it's true.
I imagine everyone on that "uh, sorry for being an ass, how's your life?" list, and the few people who are my friends now, would completely agree with those statements. And those statements are exactly why Voldemort and I couldn't get our shit together: we are exactly alike.
Voldemort and myself spent the better part of a year completely exasperated with each other. Whereas I would yell at her, she would just lie to me (the best one? After signing and filing incorporation papers say "oh, I'm moving to [new place] and I already started a business called [the same name] there" after an entire year of working with no income on a business, strategy and accompanying web-based application that was ready to launch.) Besides the yelling (which, except for the tone, was always truthful and in the spirit of working on problems and moving forward with issues, so...that's not too terrible), I spent the whole time trying desperately not to be the asshole, to do everything "right" on both the personal and business side of things. I have documented proof that I achieved that goal, which is why it still—several years later—pisses me off to no end that the whole deal fell through. Because after all,
I didn't screw things up.
Let's all say it together: KARMA.
Oh yeah, I paid for all my years of being a jerk by the implosion of the company and the friendship that had the best chance to be a good thing. When it imploded for real (as in "filed dissolution of the corporation" papers), we made an agreement, with witness and everything, not to talk about the situation with mutual acquaintances (or others, for that matter). The reason for this was mostly to cover her own ass, because she was a nationally-recognized figure in her field. Despite the time and money that I lost, it didn't even occur to me to be the jerk and start telling people all the things she did. But a week later, at a sort of "everyone come help me pack up my house because I'm moving" extravaganza, two acquaintances of mine were there and told me that she spent a considerable amount of time badmouthing me. As an aside, I was also informed that these two people did not stick up for me and didn't even attempt to mention that Voldemort was just a liar—again, karma bites me in the ass—which led to me not really being friends with those people anymore. Except I never told them that. See? Jackass. [See
later post where I am apologetic, because it caused a bit of a ruckus today which was unnecessarily brought about by this comment above. But I've reposted this entry because these are my feelings, it is my story, and it is my blog. I'll work out the fallout offline.]
So where are we now? I dunno. Belligerent and sensitive. I think my brain is broken.
