No Fancy Name
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
dreams suck
Not aspirations...those are fine. I mean the stuff our brains do at night. Those dreams suck. I think one of the reasons I don't sleep well is because I know if I do drift into a good sleep, I inevitably dream things that I wind up remembering in the morning. Often, these things weigh heavily throughout the day, until I go back through the cycle of reminding myself that I specifically put those things out of my consciousness for a reason—so I wouldn't dwell on them!

Dwelling on things == bad. I'm smart enough to know that there's not a damn thing I can do about things in the past, just learn whatever I was supposed to learn from the experience and move on. But it takes a good long time for things to settle themselves out, usually six or seven years. For instance, shitty stuff from six or seven years ago (or ten or eleven years ago, whatever) is blurry and not oft-dreamed about, but when it is, it's more like "huh, that was weird, wonder why I was thinking about that" and I can go about my business.

But stuff that's still fresh—and four years is still fresh—will still bug me throughout the day. So when I woke up this morning after having one of those vivid dreams about a specific time and place and person, I knew that today was going to be one of those days when I walk around with a furrowed brow and the simple thought, "if you had just not lied to me that one time the last four years would have been completely different."

Which is true, they would have been. At least I'm to the point now where I don't think it would have affected a better or worse outcome than my present life. My life is what it is. I'm not unhappy with it in the least; it's just a holding pattern for things to come, and those things to come aren't particularly bothersoome or exciting, they just are.

So what I'm really dwelling on today is not the possible outcomes of different actions I couldn't control anyway, it's more that I'm still trying to understand the reasoning behind the person's actions. I think what most bothers me is that even as it was going on, I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't believe this person's true self was just so...antithetical to her public persona. Not "didn't want to believe," really "couldn't." As in "you have to be really freaking smart to pull that off and I didn't think you were quite that smart."

I don't know where this is going. Oh. Just that because of a stupid dream my brain is now set off on a little cyclical problem-solving expedition and it really bugs me when it does that. Then again, it does give one track of my brain something to do when I'm trying to work, write and grade things. So, I suppose that's good, but I wish the problem being solved would be something like world peace and not trying to figure out the motivations of someone I haven't even spoken to for three years. Grrr.


job / books / new blog

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